The Mustache
by Remus Bane
Summary: Have you ever stopped and wondered, "Why don't they ever have a mustache?"
1. That THING

I think I got bored and just started thinking when all of a sudden, I'm like, 'Why don't they ever a mustache?'

What do I think of that could have _possibly_ led me to that train of thought?

...You don't need to know.

* * *

><p>Sasuke's Mustache<p>

* * *

><p>"..."<p>

Sasuke looks over at Naruto.

"What?"

"... Oh. My. God."

"What, dobe?"

As if in a trance, Naruto stands up and walks over to Sasuke. He doesn't stop until his nose is inches away from the other's, each breathing the other's air.

Sasuke glares. "What's you-"

Suddenly, Naruto tackles Sasuke. Thrown to the ground, Sasuke doesn't react until his back is already flat on the grass and his hands pinned down.

"What the hell, Naruto?"

"..."

Naruto just continues to stare with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open.

Frustrated, Sasuke tries to push Naruto off, but Naruto just sits there, like a rock. Shaking his head, Sasuke looks around for something to get the blond off his chest.

"... It moved."

Surprised, Sasuke stopped moving and looks up.

"What?"

"It moved."

Growling, Sasuke asked, "What moved, dobe?"

"That thing..."

"What thing?" he demanded.

"That thing... your... mustache."

"... That's what this is all about? My mustache?"

Wide eyed, Naruto yelled, "Oh course it is, you idiot! It's not just a mustache. You have a fucking bush attached to your face, and all you can say is 'that's it'?"

"... Ugh... yah. What's the big deal? It's just a mustache."

"But why did you grow a mustache? You're Sasuke-fucking-Uchiha! You're not suppose to grow a mustache. You never do! Just ask all the fanfiction freaks. Mustache + Sasuke = WTH?"

"I don't see what the big problem is. So what if I grew a mustache. What's wrong with a little variety? It's not like it looks bad."

"But it's a mustache!"

"So we've established."

"But it's a fucking mustache!"

"No shit Sherlock!"

Glaring, Naruto just continued to sit there, on Sasuke's chest, watching his new mustache twitch in time with the twitch that Sasuke's eye was currently do.

One twitch, two twitch, three twit-

"God-damn it, Naruto! GET OFF ME!"

"Not until you shave it!"

"Why the hell should I?"

"Because if you don't, I'll never talk to you again!"

Raising an eyebrow, Sasuke just stares at him.

Naruto tries again.

"If you don't, I'll commit suicide!"

More staring.

'_You heartless bastard.'_

"Fine. If you don't shave that damned thing off your face right now, I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!"

... What a face.

Catching their attention, by-standers turned to look at the 'apparently a couple'.

"D- DOBE! WE AREN'T EVEN FUCKING DATING! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY BREAK UP WITH ME?"

"Easy," Naruto said with a smirk, before roughly pressing his lips to Sasuke's.

Sasuke's eyes widened in shock, frozen from the surprise kiss.

Still smirking, Naruto starts nipping at Sasuke's bottom lip, trying to get a reaction.

Even with Naruto's devious mouth playing with his lip, Sasuke still remains frozen.

Huffing with the lack of response, he decides to take desperate measures.

Slowly, Naruto slides his tongue into Sasuke's mouth, lightly tapping his organ against Sasuke's before entangling the two together. Quickly, he begins to play with the other's tongue, twisting and sucking on it.

Moaning, Sasuke comes back to life, taken in by the pleasure that was emanating from his mouth.

Trying to get more pleasure, Sasuke returns the favor, lightly nipping at Naruto's tongue.

Hearing a low moan, Sasuke begins to attack Naruto's mouth, begging for more enticing sounds.

Suddenly, he's no longer kissing his blond. Realizing the taste on his lips was now air, Sasuke slowly sits up, looking for his blond vixen.

Spotting him beneath a tree, Sasuke glares, his eyes demanding his presence once again.

Before he could make a sound, Naruto interrupted.

"Shave that damned thing off, Uchiha, or we're through! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be masturbating to your pillows on your bed, naked and with a bottle of lube."

And with that, Naruto left, swaying his hips as he walked.

Sasuke stared, trying to comprehend what just happened. At the moment, he was having a problem with trying to figure out why Naruto kissed him, and trying to pushed back the fantasies that had just appeared in his mind, all of them involving a sexy blond touching himself on his bed.

With a jolt, Sasuke stands up and starts running.

'_God-damn it! Where did I put my razor?'_

Now we know why Sasuke never has a mustache.


	2. Horny for Hair

It came out of retirement. ;P

Have you ever wondered why Naruto never has a mustache?

* * *

><p>Naruto's Mustache<p>

* * *

><p>"... Naruto?"<p>

He looks up. "Huh?"

"... What's on your face?"

"My face? Oh, it's just a mustache. Cool, isn't it?" Naruto says, flashing a big, white smile.

Sasuke keeps staring. "You grew a mustache?"

"Yah. Obviously."

"..."

"Sasuke?"

"..."

"Oi! Sasuke!"

No response.

'_Hmmm..."_

Slowly, Naruto crawls over to Sasuke, who's laying on the other side of the bed, his mind completely some where else.

Once there, he continues up to Sasuke's ear, where he whispers softly, "Sa~su~ke!"

Nothing.

"SASUKE!"

Silence.

_'Talk about zoned out.'_

Looking at the clock, Naruto frowns.

'_Damn.'_

Disappointed, he begins to climb off Sasuke when he feels a tug on his shirt. Looking down, Naruto realizes that his shirt got snagged on something.

"Fuck it. I don't have time for this. I've gotta go."

Clumsily, Naruto begins to pull on his shirt, trying to free it from whatever was trapping it. Bracing his hands on Sasuke"s chest, he pushes against Sasuke, bending backwards in an attempt to unsnag whatever caught him, or die trying.

"OOPH!" ... Until Sasuke finally woke up from whatever world he'd been living on recently and flipped them over.

"Dobe..."

At this moment, while looking up, Naruto noticed a few things.

1) Sasuke's pupils were completely dialated, giving him a "dangerous predator" looks.

Due to the first observation, the second observation makes total and utter complete sense.

2) Sasuke was horny, and turned on to the fullest.

Which led to the third observation.

3) Naruto's shirt had snagged on Sasuke's hard-on, fully erected and creating a giant tent in his pants.

Which explains how his shirt got caught on it.

And lastly: 4) He had not been erected when he walked through the door.

So, this leaves Naruto with one question:

_'WHY THE HELL IS HE HORNY?'_

"You know..." Naruto heard Sasuke growl in his ear, fueling the blood that was now pooling inbetween his legs, "... you look sexy as hell with a mustache."

... What?

Immpatiently, Sasuke pushed his erection against Naruto, elicting moans from them both.

"I want to fuck you so bad. I want to pound you into the bed, and watch you beg for for more, as I plunge myself into your tight hole. Hearing you moan, with my name on your lips, your mouth wide open under that patch of sexy hairs, it just drives me insane."

Wide eyed, Naruto barely comprehends what Sasuke says before his lips are attacked, with Sasuke's tonge invading his mouth, exploring each and every niche.

Moaning, he tries to evade Sasuke, but without success.

Finally, Naruto's release, gasping for air as he tries to remember where he had to go. During this time, Sasuke takes the oppurtunity to attach himself to Naruto's neck, nipping and licking a path along his column.

"Wa-Wait! Sasuke, I've gotta go! There's this thing where-" Sasuke forces his mouth against Naruto's, swallowing his refusal.

Breathing quickly, "You're not going anywhere," he says, with a glint in his narrowed eyes. Leaning forward, with a lecherous smile, he whispers in Naruto's ear, "Not until I'm done with you."

For the rest of the day, screams of pleasure could be heard throughout the town.

And as soon as Naruto could walk again, he vowed to never grow another mustache again.


End file.
